At some point during clinic, while between patients, I began to wonder how whirlpools form. Turns out, they form when two opposing currents collide, causing the water to spin like a tornado. I can't imagine what it's like to be caught in an actual vortex, but life's full of them. Life spins whirlpools from simultaneous doubts and certainties, vigor and lethargy, frustration and callousness, grief and joy.
As dangerous and exhausting as whirlpools can be, they're hauntingly beautiful, too. Look up a photo to be mesmerized by Saltstraumen or Corryvreckan. Let your eyes trace the spiral, its energy pulsating, defying the limitations of a still image. Where does it lead to? Does it ever end?
My 3:30pm whirlpool musings (distraction) got me coaching myself about the inherent beauty of the dichotomies and challenges we face. There's divine dust to be found sparkling even in the darkest of places. The beauty can't exist without the ashes, and together, their co-existence makes for a discovery you'll stop to wonder about. That's the kind of art I remember being esteemed most highly in art and photography discussions.
Bending over my kitchen sink one day, I saw a rainbow. It must've been a refraction from the nearby glass vase. I texted W my poem of the day:
The kitchen sink -
a grimy place
rock bottom
where rainbows still shine.
Still, even in recognizing the beauty of the whirlpool I'm caught up in, I can still feel paralyzed by the current, my eyes blind to everything but the tornado of water swirling all around and over my head. As the vortex sucks me in, my heartbeat intensifies - where am I going? Will I ever get out?
That drowning sensation beckons to mind the story of Jesus calling Peter out of the boat during a maelstrom (Matthew 14:28-33). Looking at his Lord, Peter was able to take a few steps on water, but when his gaze shifted to the wind and waves whirling around him, when he lost focus on taking his next step and stalled, when his faith faltered, he began to sink.
A dear friend recently shared a devotional with me, and though it's centered around a different passage, it reinforces many of the points from Peter's story I'm trying to write on my heart:
Sometimes, when we stop and think about what we have experienced, how can we not get stuck in disappointment, unforgiveness, bitterness, offense, fear, guilt, anxiety, insecurity, indifference, apathy, comfort or complacency? And yet, to move forward, we have to find a way to move through these exact places and more.
I imagine we all find it easier to stay stuck than to risk moving forward and what might come with it, like stepping out and feeling even more uncomfortable. It’s little wonder the writer of the book of Hebrews said that to solve this problem, we must focus our eyes on Jesus:
“Fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God” (Hebrews 12:2, NIV).
To continue going through the most painful part of His mission, Jesus focused on the joy that lay before Him. Because of His sacrifice, believers in Jesus won’t ever have to go through the kind of suffering He did, but we will go through difficult things.
(Excerpt written by Christine Caine for Proverbs 31 Ministry)
Stepping out into a storm and pioneering uncharted waters requires bravery. Choosing to see beauty amidst chaos and cultivate a generous, forgiving spirit requires bravery. Walking with open hands and denying the impulses of an inwardly-focused heart requires bravery.
Underpinning that bravery is faith, a faith with a focus fixed on the Savior and His call, not on the circumstances nor contradictions fear tries to point out. Like the waves, His love continues to crash over me, and they'll draw me securely into grace, if I let them. That's the essence of the true beauty in a storm.
What I've found helpful lately:
1. Practice gratitude - reframe your focus regularly to let life's riches outweigh the coal.
2. Prioritize sabbath - you need it.
3. Pray in quiet and among others - luxuriate in His comfort.
4. Preach to yourself - memorize Scripture, the sword of defense to brandish when you're in the trenches. Remind yourself that suffering draws us closer to God and that His love is bigger than those who hurt you.
5. If able, start or continue serving others so you can actively shine and grow, not just survive. Don't lose you in the whirlpool. Keep being that rainbow in the kitchen sink.
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