With all this talk about self-love, I'd be remiss if I didn't address singleness.
If childhood priming of happily ever after wasn't enough, our worldview today is continuously manipulated by social media's unrealistic expectations. Photo after photo, our impressionable minds give into the how we met stories, the at-home lifestyle images, the #goal worthy moments. None of it is inherently bad, but man are they annoying reminders of what we don't have.
On a big campus that's easy to get lost in, fleeting friendships and continuous cycles of go-go-go make loneliness a far too familiar presence. It is absolutely reasonable to want a rock in your life, someone to validate you when you're feeling down, someone you can share adventures with, someone who will be there to both celebrate and sit in silence with. When you're taking care of people, it's natural to want someone physically here, taking care of you, too. Your better half. Your best friend.
I so get what it feels like to be a drifter. In a relationship, there's only one other person (...hopefully). You're the first choice...Right?
Constantly wondering when the right person will come along is pretty frustrating. Getting over people is a slow process. Walking around, feeling half empty, wondering what's wrong with you, sucks.
Through this new series, I'll be sharing scriptural truths that have helped me with personal struggles, including this very one (side note: all resources that have helped make this blogpost will be linked at the very end). The first day I went through the following passages, I finished reading feeling so much more confident. I came back the next day needing to read them again. Unfortunately, there are no pills nor prescriptions that can give us instant, long-lasting gratification. Just know that the lows help ground us when feeling invincible takes us too high.
The following will be structured by passages - the Word does a much better job at revealing truths than I can explain them, but I'll try to be intentional with how everything is ordered. Crack open your Bible, because here we go:
To get started, here are some questions to consider:
What does the world around you say about singleness, dating, and love?
What is the "right person myth"? What is "checklist mentality"?
How are women viewed today? How would you want men to view you?
Fishermen choose bait for the kind of fish they want to catch. How do women present themselves to men? How should they?
What is the illusion of being in a relationship? Is it really true that all will be okay? Will you feel complete when you're in that "perfect relationship"?
When do you feel most needing of God?
"Become the person who the person you are looking for is looking for." (Andy Stanley)
Get yourself into the position to be open to whatever or whomever God brings into your life. Give up childish ways, including fairy-tale or social media induced expectations. As Andy said, "it's not reality". As much as I adore Disney magic, it doesn't do me any good to think life operates the same way. (Hear Andy's full sermon below)
So what does it mean to be "the person"? What is love?
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. " (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)
In my ESV version, verse 7 is written as "Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." All things, guys, all things.
This passage makes me think of my grandpa. My grandpa exemplified true, unconditional love by taking care of my grandma, 24/7, for twelve tough years. If you've ever had to take care of someone, you'll understand how much of a sacrifice this is. Love is a big deal. It's not defined solely by the idealistic, romantic aspect of it.
"Affection produces happiness if - and only if - there is common sense and give and take and 'decency.' In other words, only if something more, and other, than Affection is added. The mere feeling is not enough. You need 'common sense,' that is, reason. You need 'give and take'; that is, you need justice, continually stimulating mere Affection when it fades and restraining it when it forgets or would defy the art of love. You need 'decency.' There is no disguising the fact that this means goodness; patience, self-denial, humility, and the continual intervention of a far higher sort of love than Affection, in itself, can ever be." -C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves
Characteristics to aspire to have and to desire and honor in others.
This is not intended to perpetuate "checklist mentality", but serves as a reminder of how we are to conduct ourselves. Bluntly, don't be judgmental and closed-minded, but don't say yes to just anyone. That's not what love and marriage are about. Here's what God calls from wives and husbands:
"Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.
Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered." (1 Peter 3:1-7; some explanations about what "weaker" means, here and here)"An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels.The heart of her husband trusts in her and he will have no lack of gain...She is like the ships of the merchant; she brings her food from afar. She rises while it is yet night and provides food for her household and portions for her maidens...She dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong...Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue...Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: 'Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.' Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised..." (Proverbs 3)
"Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own;you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies." (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)
Women: adorn your heart, not your exterior. There's nothing wrong with enjoying fashion and makeup, but don't market your body as a commodity and view it with the honor that God wants for it. Surface level attention is so hard to work past; being desirable gives us a sense of validation, but protect yourself from objectification. The "#MeToo" and "#ChurchToo" movements have made it very clear that deception, coercion, and abuse are more tangible than we realize (note: not saying that the individuals who have experienced abuse are at fault or in any way responsible).
Be that strong yet gentle woman that God calls you to be. You are dignified and have no one to fear but the Lord. Don't change your exterior to appeal to others. They're not the kinds of people you want to attract.
Men: you are joint heirs to grace, with minds set on holy things. You are generous, honoring, and understanding. Be the humble leaders that God has called you to be, using your power to protect the weak, the widows, the orphans.
All: before all else, we are children of God - we are brothers and sisters, united. Be humble, sympathetic, tender hearted. We are all called to be defenders of the poor and needy, to be generous and sacrificial in love. We have also been bought with a price: honor God with your body; honor God by honoring the bodies around you.
Scripture on Mary and Joseph's example
I really admire these two - Christ and the church are the ultimate "#goals", but the godliness and trust that they exemplified when deferring to God instantaneously is humbling. I think they're great models of what it means to put God in the middle of a relationship.
Matthew 1:19-25
Matthew 2:13-15, 19-23
Joseph was so godly. I imagine he felt hurt and betrayed, knowing that Mary was pregnant, yet he was unwilling to put his broken heart forward. Let's keep in mind that the engagement process back then was very different and required a lot from men. Joseph must have worked so hard - how crushed must he have felt? Yet by considering to divorce her quickly, he shows that he had her dignity in mind. When the angel spoke, he immediately obeyed God and continued to honor Mary. Joseph continues the immediacy and faithfulness to God when protecting his family from Herod. He was in tune to God and sought His guidance first. When was the last time we obeyed immediately? When was the last time we turned to Him first instead of panicking?
Luke 1:1-56
Mary was so godly. Despite the fears of punishment from her society for being pregnant out of wedlock, she trusted in God. Think of the stakes that she could have faced. She is a model of an obedient servant. She was God-fearing and praised the Lord, especially in the midst of hardship.
Scripture on Singleness
1 Corinthians 7
Tim Keller explains that life on Earth is fleeting. It's so much easier to be caught up in worldly, present matters in a relationship. A single person can much more easily devote their undivided self to God. Their top priority isn't a competition between holiness and another person. That God-sized hole that's keeping us from "wholeness" can only be filled by God, so pursue God. Let Him fill it up. According to Keller, Paul here is equalizing singleness and marriage on Earth - neither is better, because the ultimate family and marriage are in the future. Live this life in light of the future.
I've found it particularly hard to strike a balance between individuality and family. Culture tells me to independent and proud of my individuality while a lot of the photographers I admire build the foundations of their brands upon family. Don't idolize either. Don't pursue relationships with either as the ultimate priorities.
Jesus, the ultimate expression of perfect humanity didn't need a relationship to be perfect. In fact, He poured his everything into friendships and discipleship.
All relationships (romantic or platonic) = possession + service
but it's easier to be more inclined to unselfishness in a friendship. Jesus, the future, and the family of the church should be enough for you. (Hear Tim Keller's full sermon below).
"But you would be fed with the finest of wheat; with honey from the rock I would satisfy you." (Psalm 81:16)
2 Corinthians 3:12-18
Sufficiency is from God alone. The physical veil in the temple symbolized our separation from God before Christ's sacrifice, but through Christ, that veil is taken away. I can't help but think of the bride's veil being lifted up in a wedding. Unification and true completeness can't be found in another person. Our "feeling complete" may change day to day, depending on our mood and what we go through, but the reality of completeness comes to fruition by the Spirit moving in to reside within you. Seek no further. Joining to the Lord, becoming one spirit with Him, is completion. It's pretty freeing to know that.
This Gospel Coalition article makes a powerful statement with these equations:
We think: ½ of me + ½ of him/her = 1 happy, satisfied relationship
But really: ½ of me x ½ of him/her = ¼ bitter, frustrated relationship
God's formula: 1 satisfied me x 1 satisfied him/her = 1 satisfied relationship
Psalm 147
Our God, our infinite, all-powerful Heavenly Father cares so much to name every star. (I had a gym teacher for three years in a row who couldn't be bothered to learn my name.) How much more willing is He to bind up our wounds and heal our broken hearts? Hope in His steadfast love, not anyone else's. Who can compare?
Matthew 11:25-29
A restored relationship with God, which brings forth healing, life, and hope, comes only through Christ. Rest and find peace in Him. Make Him your meditation, not the hurtful past nor the present wondering. That's true satisfaction.
God's Protection
"Discretion will protect you, and understanding will guard you." (Proverbs 2:11)
"Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life. You stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes: with your right hand you save me." (Psalm 138:7)
One night, at rehearsal, our mentor asked the three of us, all women, how many of us had been hit on that day. None of us raised our hands. "That's God protecting you."
I've never thought of it that way, but I think it's true. When you walk into a room, whoever is in there is confronted by the Spirit's presence in you. That's powerful. Not being approached when everyone around you is in a relationship doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. It means that God's keeping you from the wrong people. It's flattering, no doubt, to be complimented for your appearance, but wouldn't you rather have someone notice you for how awesome you are as a person?
And with that, I'm going to leave you with a song to occupy your meditations:
Happy Easter Sunday, folks!
There's no one who can top Christ's sacrifice, the ultimate act of love.
Resources:
Andy Stanley: http://northpoint.org/messages/the-new-rules-for-love-sex-and-dating
Tim Keller: https://vimeo.com/88162694
Gospel Coalition article: https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/that-relationship-will-not-complete-you/
C.S. Lewis: The Four Loves
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