July 14, 2015

Feeling Infinite

Remember that scene in "Perks of Being a Wallflower"(I only saw the trailer but it's there and it's also in the book), when the main character mentions something about "feeling infinite"? I've always thought that the location or situation mattered, but turns out, it's really who you're with that helps you feel "infinite".

I've had what I like to consider more than my fair share of friendship issues in the past, including having "best friends" who treat you as their second choice, "best friends" who end up being cruel bullies, "best friends" who abandon you, "best friends" who are so two-faced that they end up being too much work to handle.

I didn't have the classic senior year experience that most people expect to have their senior year of high school. I struggled through the entire year, but it's those struggles, particularly through those friendship struggles, that I was able to realize/recognize who is worth keeping in my life, who actually values me for....me. The comforting side to acknowledging these struggles is that I won't have to deal with these struggles during my freshman year of college, when we're all thousands of miles apart. It's all over now, and it's better to know that, so I can go into an entirely new experience/life knowing that the past is at rest, knowing that I have a strong support system behind me, and knowing that I can comfortably go into college and just meet new people --- no reservations or stress on my mind --- just an open mind so I can fully embrace everything that college has to offer.

I heard this one quote that I changed just a little bit to make all of the friendship struggles make sense: it's harder for people to grow up together and stay together, but it's easier for everyone to grow up on their own and then meet people who will stay with them forever. I've known some of these "best friends" for at least ten years, and it was definitely clear that we had all grown apart in very separate ways, which is probably why it's been easier for me (so far, without even being in college yet --- just online) to meet college friends.

With all of that being said, these struggles have truly made me reflect and think hard about who my real friends are. Who truly adds value to my life, who I know will always be there for me, who I would do anything for. These are the people who make me feel infinite.

Knowing all of this has made this summer the best summer of my entire life --- everyone knows that I need to be productive, and yes, I have kept myself busy. At the same time, I've finally had the time to enjoy life since all of the academic stresses are temporarily gone. I've been able to spend time with true friends who make me extremely happy --- who make me feel infinite.

And that's another take away --- don't waste time on people who aren't worth keeping in your life. This doesn't mean being mean to others, but this does mean letting things go, letting relationships slide when they're just not worth the sadness and stress and anxiety. Block and delete, something I learned from +AprilJustinTV , really helps; eliminate those people.

Currently, my goal in life is to really just make meaningful connections and build meaningful relationships with others, because those people make me feel infinite --- a feeling worth having. People come and go, but I'm incredibly grateful to have those people who have stayed throughout it all, who truly care about me, who I want to be around for the rest of my life.


go out and find those people who make you feel infinite.
it's a feeling worth having.

xoxo, han



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