December 10, 2014

Value & Worth

This little Christmas tree. It's usually quite large. The trimmed it down quite a bit, and now it's a little chubby munchkin of a Christmas tree

More self-analysis and agonizing thoughts.
And you might be thinking that I'm being so paranoid, immature, silly. 
You know what? Everyone's feeling this way right now. Everyone's unsure. Because everyone around me is qualified in some way or another. But that's the problem. 

I found a quote on my binder that I picked out from the summer: "Your value doesn't decrease based on somebody's inability to see your worth". I originally liked it because it's an empowering quote, but I like it even more now because I find it applicable to this whole situation: they really can't get the best picture of you from an application. They may find out a lot, but they truly won't ever know who you really, truly are, how hard you've worked, how genuinely badly you want this. I can't take it personal. Because it really isn't. It's mostly business and image. That's all. 

I recently read Carol Joyce Oates's "Against Nature", and I feel like how she felt when she was trying to calm her heartbeat. It's a conscious, forced self-prescribed emotional therapy. I'm playing mind games right now. I'm stalling. I'm trying to prepare. But I really won't be. And that little ounce of hope, that smallest shred, is what's keeping me distracted from preparing myself for reality. 

I love the word for "hope" in Spanish: esperanza
I've got a very powerful ounce of esperanza in me right now. 
And I gotta remember to keep it under control, or I'm gonna get hit really hard, harder than I expect, tomorrow. 

xoxo, hannah

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