December 13, 2014


hello. long time no see.
well, it's only been 2 days, but that's a long time for me ;)

the past two days have been so hectic, and the next week is only going to get even worse. more events, more presentations, more tests, more meetings, more concerts, more rehearsals. the one thing i'm really looking forward to is swing dancing in gym ;) yesterday was the first day but it was fun!

anyways, you might be wondering. 
about the decision.
well, estoy esperando

that's a powerful word to me.
you hear the word "desperate".

i'm waiting. 
for another several months. 

out of the eleven people at my school, i know that 1 person got in, 1 (me) got waitlisted, and 6 got rejected.
that's crazy. 

being on a waitlist didn't settle well with me. 
i was first extremely frustrated and cried for the first initial 20 minutes as i talked to my parents on the phone.
my poor brother, who sat next to me, was my tissue guy. kid had no idea what to say. i didn't know what i wanted to hear from him anyways.

i struggled from the cry-baby stage to the half-disbelief-half-acceptance stage. i think i'm still there, but i'm also 
a mix between flattered and hurt. i'm flattered that i made it this far (well okay, i should be proud that i made it this far but this just shows how much power and respect these admission officers have lol), but i'm also hurt that i've once again, become someone's second choice.
that's one of my pet peeves.

at the same time, with this struggle, comes support and encouragement like i've never expected.
kind of like when i failed my driver's test on my birthday. 
people were still really happy for me and positive when i told them; they totally understood how
frustrating it feels to be in this position, but they told me they believe in  me and that they're proud of me. 
when times got rough, there's always something to be grateful for:
my support system.
i forget that i have one, and at some points it feels like i've lost it.
but it's these situations that remind me that it's still here. 
that i still have them. 

the night that i found out was the same night i had a concert.
my brother and i made a quick stop on our way home to see this giant christmas tree.
twinkling lights reminds me of stars.
twinkling stars.
way up in the sky.
finally getting their chance to shine.
seeing the lights calms me, brings peace. 
you really only see them at night, when it's dark, when no one's really around. 
you don't feel isolated, but you feel at peace.
and that's what i really need now.

xoxo, hannah

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