October 10, 2014

split at the root (well, not really, but kinda)

I read Split at the Root by Adrienne Rich for my ap lang class, and although I didn't particularly like the essay compared to the other essays I read (like Once More to the Lake by E.B. White or Asthma by Seneca), I really feel like I can identify with Adrienne right now.

I'm not experiencing an identity crisis, but I am feeling very torn and confused, just like Adrienne felt.
Well, maybe I am experiencing an identity crisis.
The people who you are around do influence who you are, right?

Today was the school pep rally; the whole school was buzzing with excitement all day long, but my excitement wore off way too quickly. 

You know how when you're watching a tv episode, and the character is just so oblivious to the things happening around her and then suddenly has an epiphany? Well I guess I'm not that ignorant to what's going on; I've known what's been going on for a while but I guess i connected all the puzzle pieces now.

Being a senior allows you to have so much more freedom: academically and literally.
You have a lot more control over the classes you take and you can drive (most can; this girl is still waiting on that magical ticket to let her do that) so you can literally take yourself anywhere.
At the same time, while you yourself have a lot more freedom, so do all the other seniors around you, including your friends.
With this freedom, everyone has the opportunity to exert their own individual will.

That's the thing.
Everyone's different.
Everyone wants different things.
Sure, there are times when interests overlap.
But there are also more changes for interests to diverge and for people to diverge.

and I haven't gotten used to that yet.

I miss the people who I used to see every single day last year.
Now, it's just the rare "hey!" in the hallway during passing time, 
the occasional 3 minute small talk, 
the awkward searching for something to talk about during the atypical 5 minute opportunities to talk.

I miss how things were.
Yet I also love a lot of the new things: I actually love the classes I'm taking this year, I actually love that I don't see the people who used to bring a lot of negativity in my life as often anymore, I actually love that I'm one of the oldest in the school this year.

but now, my friends are split.
I'm split.
I can't choose.
I can't pick.
I miss some of the past.
I love some of the present.
I'm split.

xoxo, Hannah

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