September 20, 2014


yesterday was a busy day, so I opted to just not blog and enjoy the day for what it was instead.

i encountered a pretty big bummer yesterday when i failed my driver's test; long story short, a lot of anxiety and panic built up due to last minute changes and surprises, and I ultimately ended up spending 1.5 hours at dmv and not passing. basically.
so i ended up crying in the car as my dad drove me back to school (i was so freaked out about missing calc class). 

then i nearly cried in front of the attendance lady. (have i mentioned how easily i cry?)

i ran back to calc class and just stayed quiet and tried so hard to focus on math and not on my crushed romances of having my license on my birthday. i had several moments during calc when i was really really close to crying all over again, but i kept it together. at the end, my friend whispered to me "happy birthday" and i just instinctively mouthed "i didn't pass". her reaction was a super nonchalant "it's fine!" which i appreciated so so so much. but i still was on the verge of tears. fortunately, we were let out of class, and i walked out the door. right then and there, my favorite teacher of all time walked by, looked over his shoulder, gave me a really big smile and waved. 
i instantly felt better.

the hallway was pretty empty since we were let out of class late, so i passed by my biology teacher (another really good friend of mine) who stopped in his tracks and said "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!". he gave me a hug when i told him i didn't pass and he didn't dwell on the subject; we just talked about his dog. 

i kept walking down the super busy main hallway towards my lunch table, and my best friends greeted me with the biggest hug ever. 
i told that instantly that i didn't pass; they are literally my go-to people when i need to talk things out or when i'm literally about to cry about something. they were so happy and they totally brushed that off; they smiled and cheered me up not by giving me advice but just brushing it off and telling me not to care. they told me jokes and made me laugh, which i could never do on my own.
i was then greeted with tons of hugs by my friends at my lunch table, and they all helped me get over it too. after repeating the same stupid "failure" story over and over, it got easier to explain it and not be on the verge of tears. they distracted me, talked to me about my plans for the rest of the day, and just made me feel happier. i honestly do not know what i'd do without them.

the afternoon slipped by relatively quickly; i stayed afterschool to decorate my favorite teacher's door for teacher of the month (he's the one who waved to me) with a friend. yeah, i was still feeling a little frustrated with myself, but i kept telling myself that it's my attitude that makes or breaks my day. good/bad things happen everyday; it's just how i view them and how i let them impact me that determine whether or not the day is actually good or not. 

my dad and i watched my brother's soccer game for a bit, and the weather was so nice just being outside made me feel good. 

cooking has always made me feel good and is one of the things that i've really resorted to over the past few years to lighten my mood.

~recipe on this cake (banana bread with almond butter, berry compote filling, and coconut chips) will be posted tmrw~

(btw, this was inspired by my lifetime favorite of pb & j but i made it a bit more sophisticated)

what really touched my heart too was this photo my grandpa gave me.
this was my preschool graduation (4 years old in Brooklyn), and my grandpa came and he didn't have a camera or anything; a mom saw that and she offered to take a photo of us which was incredibly sweet. we moved a month later, and guess what came in the mail? 
this photo.

he's had this photo and i know he cherishes a lot and it meant so much to me that he gave it to me (i made sure to scan it and email it/save it to google drive ten billion times). this photo..

i woke up to a decorated kitchen table (something that i usually do on a family member's bday) which was a really sweet surprise.

(the photo is smaller cause iPod quality ain't pretty when blown up)

something else that surprised me and made me so incredibly happy was this package in the mail from one of my best friends in UT. she personalized this fleece blanket and mailed it to me and it has not left my side since. i slept with it and it was wrapped around me all morning (and now too) cause it was really cold and cause i love it a lot.

then my best friend biked all the way to my house to give me a gift. i love the gift she gave me, but honestly, her hugs (like 10000 of them in the 5 minutes she was at my house) were the best of all. is that cheesey? i dont care.

she gave me a really sweet card and this photo, which i remember having it taken but have never seen until yesterday, was in the card. oh my flipping asifja;lsdjflka;hdsfahsdkjfjals. 

you know how you have that one photo of you and your friend that you really like above all the rest? 
well this is it for us.

and then my brother. my brother.
this kid knows me better than anyone else in the entire world, and he (with help from my mom) got me seasons 1-9 of GREY'S ANATOMY on dvd. and yes, material things are amazing, but i think it's just the fact that my realization that he knows me so well was just reinforced; he is there for me whenever i have my mental breakdowns (which are frequent), and i can tell him anything without feeling like i'm just burdening someone else with a ton of family stuff (which i know for sure i have friends i can tell that stuff to but it's so much easier when someone else is experiencing it too because they can understand even better). i mean i just had a mental breakdown just now and he was there for me. 

and my mom got me and her and my dad tickets to Alton Brown Live, which I am so stoked for. I completely forgot that i explicitly told her about it lol but I'm excited to also share the world of Alton Brown with them because i'm completely obsessed. he ties science with food and entertainment. he's a genius.

so the rollercoaster day ended with 3 episodes of Friends. 
i was really hoping to get my license cause i felt like it would have made my 17th birthday significant; 
something always ends up going wrong on my birthday (why didn't i see this coming?!) and i felt like my failure just added to my record of bad birthdays, mostly ruined by my expectations and romances of having amazing days...

but it didn't. I had friends who didnt let me see it like that and who made me appreciate my day for what it was. 
it took a whole lot of conscious effort to really keep myself together and appreciate the rest of the day, but i think that made me feel more mature. 

we always say, "i'll be happy when...". i kept acknowledging to myself that while i will of course be happy when i get my license, i can still be happy now. i think i finally learned to choose happiness yesterday thanks to my incredible friends. 

yeah i did have another breakdown today, but it's hard to keep it together sometimes. it's most frustrating when you let yourself down cause you can't forget it as easily right away; i know for sure that in the future i'll be able to look back at this failure, as I've done with past failures, and appreciate it even more but i did learn yesterday to appreciate it slightly because i got to enjoy my birthday for what it was (not a celebration of getting a license, but my actual birth-day) and i was reminded by how INCREDIBLY LUCKY i am to have the friends i have and the family that i have. 

so that was my seventeenth. 
today i am 17 years and 1 day old. 
i felt a little more like a 16 year old today than i did yesterday, but it comes and goes, and hopefully i'll be able to choose to think more like a seventeen year old when times are rough in the future. today, i'll let myself look up to who i was yesterday and try to be better with the time that i have left today. i can't promise anything, but i will try. really really hard. cause i really really want to.

xoxo, hannah

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