March 13, 2013

Just Close Your Eyes, and Push Right Through

Today was just one of those days....
seems like I've been having a lot of those lately...
but today was the worst so far.

I've been so sleep deprived. I'm exhausted when I go to bed,
but I can't shut my brain down. I'm constantly alert, and
I swear I was half-sleep-walking last night...if that's possible.
Being as tired as I was today, my sensitivity was increased.
During orchestra lessons, I felt like the origin of every mistake
was me. Despite all the correct notes I played,
I felt like the most inexperienced, unprofessional one of the group. 
Granted, I'm the youngest, and two other students
failed to show up to the group...but ANYWAYS...
I was on the brink of tears as I left, a result of
weakness due to exhaustion and my feelings of unworthiness after lessons.
Loneliness haunted me in history class as the rest of the class congregated
in their little groups, whereas I, 
having acquaintances but no close friends in the class, 
sat alone, working by myself.
I hit rock bottom when I completely failed my math test. 
No, I really do mean failed.
I lost at least 10 points from leaving two questions full of 
confused and jumbled up work with no answers.
This was truly the worst; math is usually my strongest subject, 
but today, all the little things that irked me overflowed my level of tolerance.
Panic and anxiety took over, and the simple questions that I can usually
handle with ease became my adversaries.
I ended up handing in the test with two blanks and the back page full of guesses
when time was up. Seems negligible, but I was disappointed beyond belief.
I raced up to my locker with my eyes brimming with tears. 
You're probably calling me a baby right now. 
I don't blame you; under normal circumstances, I would see myself that way too.
But I'm one of those people who holds problems in.
Sure, I vent and I rant about them...but it's hard for me to let things go.
The little things that irk me fill up inside of me as time goes on,
and one day, when the smallest of incidents occur,
An explosion of confusion and uncontrollable sadness.
Like that tiny mouse in Jan Brett's "The Mitten". 
One small mouse made the entire mitten blow up, 
even though it had previously been a refuge for a number of large animals.
Thank God for my two close friends whom I passed by as I was running to my locker.
They saw me and noticed my unusual demeanor.
Without their comfort and advice at that point, 
I don't know how I could have acknowledged the big picture of my situation.
The surface of my cut was cleaned up by their encouragement.
The rest of the healing was up to me.
That's the tough part.
After the mess has been made and the suffering endured,
it seems more difficult to clean up the problem.
I'm determined to not let my math teacher's opinion of me 
be adulterated by my poor outcome of this test.
But how do I justify my actions?
I'm nervous and hesitant to go back to my weekly lesson.
...but haven't I always dreaded them?
And as for history class...
do I just have to continue feeling betrayed and abandoned?
It's so hard to handle any kind of problem by yourself, no matter of what level of importance.
It's hubris that makes humans think that they can handle anything,
that they don't need any help resolving issues,
that we can solve them on our own.
But I'm going to take this one step at a time,
ask God for help,
and let life take its course.
Of course, this takes faith.
Of course, this doesn't seem as easy;
letting things go rather than tackling the problem head on?
But I'll take my chances.

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